Find something that needs explaining and explore the possibilities. Here are my reasons for never winning races.
- 1. The other kids won't take turns.
- 2. I have to follow someone to know where to go.
- 3. I like chasing kids.
- 4. I like running so much I don't want to stop.
- 5. I don't want to make anyone cry.
- 6. Dad said not to show off.
- 7. Mum will get too hyper.
- 8. The warm-ups I have to do strain my muscles.
- 9. My running shoes are too heavy.
- 10. The races are not my best distances. I would win all the time if the races were 90m, 180m, 360m, and 1080m.
Bet you can't do better than that, David Letterman. Good training for future stand-up comics, philosophers and lawyers. I look foward to reading your examples.
See below : BRIAN GRADY's fantastically absurb list of anarchical excuses
Why my homework comes in late all the time:
1. I wanted to see what the other kids brought in to get some ideas
2. I couldn't write my essay because my hands have developed to writing numbers
3. I got caught up in a homework-doing contest and I didn't have the $3 fee to get your entry back
4. My homework was taken down and used as evidence in a court case
5. My shredder ate it
6. I cant think of any more reasons, but take my word for it, it was a good one
LATE HOMEWORK
Thanks for your comments, Caleb
Did you win your homework contest ?
You can write your essay using only numbers, ie letters of the alphabet would be written as letters, ie.,
Caleb Wells = 3 1 12 5 2 23 5 12 12 19
Therefore I'd expect an essay if I was your teacher.
Perhaps homework is like a good wine - improves with time. If so, handing homework as late as possible should be compulsory. But then would it be late ?
Another way you could explain late homework is by creating an complex and longwinded path for it to get to school. There's several poems (& a book?) where kids explain why they were late to school (I was kidnapped .etc.).
I have a similar one where I argue why I shouldn't clean my room (and not go to school but instead play war-like computer games !).
On a slightly different note...
The number code where A=1 B=2 etc and you add up all letter values in a word to get the value of the word is used in the QABBALAH (also spelt KABBALAH) system. It is used to predict one's future. But also:
King + Chair = Throne
Book + Loan = Library
Keep + Off = Grass
(it doesn't matter if it is slightly different, 85 and 84 are roughly the same, so they count.)
By the way, you should have this challenge in the Senior challenges too.
Why I don't have my homework...
The dog ate it.
The cat ate it.
The dog and the cat allied and both ate it.
The goldfish ate it.
Dad ate it.
Mum ate it.
I'm allergic to it.
Some hobo used it as toilet paper.
I ate it.
It was stolen.
It's in time out after starting a fight with my brother's homework.
It's on holiday.
It self destructed.
The church took it after claiming it was made from the true cross.
The church ate it.
I wagged school on the day it was handed out.
An event happened.
Sorry, I don't speak English.
It ate itself.
I'ts in hospital after a nasty fall.
The hospital ate it.
Where am I?
The question mark ate it.
The excuse ate it.
My brother's using it as a bandage for his arm.
My brother ate it.
You ate it.
Shhhhhhh. It's sleeping.
Slumber ate it.
It was burned at the stake for heresy.
The stake ate it.
I ate the steak.
Could you repeat the question?
YOUR LIST OF EXCUSES
The above looks like it would be a great oral poem - like you're speaking it.
Just reading it I think it needs editing, in that the shifts from section to section (ie., from grammatical gobblers to your brother) needs to be made more logical. (There needs to be a reason for this shift - the reason can be crazy). I would also like to see some 'overall structure' to the shift between sections - it could start with things in your everyday life (animals, brothers) and then get more way out (from the Wood of the True Cross is brilliant) & have the thing eating itself (ie., the exclamation mark eating it).
At the same time it should still sound 'random' as though you're making it up as you go along - this is called 'stream of consciousness' & has been explored in 20thC. writing.
I very seldom read material by kids & wish I had written it but I am envious of your list. Part of me is a real anarchist.
With some editing I would suggest you offer it to Jean's writing section. & if you're interested in 'performing it' at the next seminars you can join me in a lunchtime performance - it really cries out to be said in style.
ME!!
I have some and if you see my original change its probably because I edited it. The first 10 are on homework and the others are on general stuff(but I'll include what the excuse is for).
1. I accidently used invisible ink.
2. My paper ran into the rubbish bin and refused to come out.
3. My test joined the paper mache club.
4. My paper wanted to start a new life.
5. I didn't do my homework because I cheat and cannot be trusted without supervision from the FBI.
6. Because I'm special.
7. I'll call social services.
8. How will it help me in later life.
9. You pay for me to go to SCHOOL!!!
10. I can't think of a good excuse....... can you come back to me?
1. Who said I had to run fast?
2. If you have any problems call my lawyer. Okay?
3. My father owns you.
4. Look, if you let me off I can pay you.
5. Whats the point in cheating? WAIT! Don't answer that!
6. Why don't we discuss this over the phone. You know: Man to Man.
BOB'S HOMEWORK
I like the homework running into the bin. I guess you wrote in ink and the ink 'ran off the page straight into the bin.
Your homeowrk could be playing hide & seek but you're not smart enough to catch it in time. It could go on a trip.
It...
...wasn't an exclaimation mark, it was a question mark!
QUESTION + EXCUSE (next line)
Could 'question + excuse = exclamation mark' in my mind?
Perhaps I need to read more carefully.
(Or maybe the ? is a bent ! - so I should have said the bent exclamation mark.)
And shouldn't it be 'question marks' and 'exclamation marks' as there are really two marks in each symbol ?
Now I'm in High school....
I challenge my teachers to an arm wrestle, and generally they leave me alone!
-Caleb "Mexican Leg Wrestle" Wells
--Then Ares strode out, with shield and spear,
--A mighty warrior to strike fear into our hearts.
--But we just shot him, just like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
--And all the rest fled.